A:

You are a having a perfectly human reaction to an event in your life that, no doubt, created mixed emotions a good part of the time. When a caregiver devotes much of his or her time and energy to caring for another (especially if it happens to be a family member), very often his or her "well runs dry." The need to take some time to re-energize becomes apparent. You may remember times when you did this...mostly so you could continue giving your grandfather his quality care. No you may need to refill the well just for you, and you could be minimizing the importnace of doing this.

Many times we hear caregivers say that they find the time that had once been filled with such worthy endeavor now seems empty. I believe that now may be the time for you to think about how much you helped your grandfather, and how happy he would be for you to now be able to really focus on your own life.

Let go of the guilt so you can be open to the joy of life, as your grandfather would wish for you. And realize what a good person you really are.

 

A: This is not only normal, but seeing and hearing a loved one who has died is a common experience for many people. A life shared for many years creates bonds that go beyond death. The body dies, but not the love and memories. They are ours to keep forever. Wanting to maintain a connection is a human reaction. And with the many studies and published articles now available to the public, we are learning that what was once considered a rare phenomenon is now being openly investigated and reported. Whether your mom is actually hearing and seeing your dad is something only she knows. Encourage her to talk about this. She needs permission from you to do this. Since people who are deeply grieving often think they "are going," it is important that you reassure her that what she is experiencing is normal for anyone who is struggling with a significant loss.

A: Your two friends are responding to their grief, each in their own way. No two people grieve exactly alike … not family, not friends. Personalities, relationships and circumstances all differ. This often leads both grievers and bystanders to wonder what is right and what is wrong.  
 
Actually, we are our own best therapists. We seem to instinctively know what helps. The one friend may find comfort in going to the funeral home because it was the last place she had any physical contact with her husband. Also, she may want to be there for others who have fresh losses because she remembers how much it meant to her.  
 
Your other friend, though, may still be finding it too painful to enter the funeral home because of her own personal memories of a difficult time. Taking that first step may be next to impossible for her now, but one day she will find it necessary. We hope she will, through encouragement and support, not wait too long. For her it will be a process of desensitizing, bit by bit.  
 
Be a true friend (one who is non-judgmental) and accept each friend for where she is … not for where you think she should be. The grief journey is long, painful and lonely. A true friend is greatly appreciated and remembered.  

A: Your adult children are aware of your pain and loss while they, too, are grieving their own loss. You are their only parent now and they intend to make sure (in their minds) that you’re going to be okay.  
 
They may be mistaking your emotions of grief as a sign that you’re “losing it.” After all, they are probably used to seeing their father as a strong and unbeatable figure in their lives! Not too many people feel strong and unbeatable following the death of a loved one, though.  
 
And for some, focusing on the mends of others in bereavement shifts the needs to focus on their own loss. This, of course, doesn’t usually work very long. It helps when family members give each other permission to share their thoughts and feelings. Open conversations will clear the air of misconceptions. Let them know that any major decisions are on hold for awhile … that you are taking this time to work through your grief, and that each of you must do this in his or her own way.  
 
Also let them know you appreciate their willingness to participate in your life, but that there are some things only you can do. Don’t ever minimize the importance of family, though, because, for most, great strength and comfort can be found there.  
 
 
Q: Two of my friends lost their husbands after illnesses last year. One of them goes to the funeral home all the time, for apparently no reason. The other won’t go at all, even to visit friends. Can you help me understand this?  
 
A:  
Your two friends are responding to their grief, each in their own way. No two people grieve exactly alike … not family, not friends. Personalities, relationships and circumstances all differ. This often leads both grievers and bystanders to wonder what is right and what is wrong.  
 
Actually, we are our own best therapists. We seem to instinctively know what helps. The one friend may find comfort in going to the funeral home because it was the last place she had any physical contact with her husband. Also, she may want to be there for others who have fresh losses because she remembers how much it meant to her.  
 
Your other friend, though, may still be finding it too painful to enter the funeral home because of her own personal memories of a difficult time. Taking that first step may be next to impossible for her now, but one day she will find it necessary. We hope she will, through encouragement and support, not wait too long. For her it will be a process of desensitizing, bit by bit.  
 
Be a true friend (one who is non-judgmental) and accept each friend for where she is … not for where you think she should be. The grief journey is long, painful and lonely. A true friend is greatly appreciated and remembered.  
 
 
Q: Our pet cat recently became very ill and we had to put her to sleep. We all are having a hard time with this. What can we do?  
 
A: Your pet was an important member of your family whose companionship, love, and loyalty touched each person. Now, the balance in your family has changed. Perhaps each family member is reacting a little differently. Since no two people grieve exactly alike, there may be confusing reactions.  
 
Encourage everyone to share their feelings and to accept each other's way of grieving as valid. Children in the family may want to create a memory book. Many people talk about a great sense of sadness following pets' deaths. It's especially hard when euthanasia becomes a decision. Give yourselves ample time to work through your grief before deciding on another pet. Remember, your loss is very real. Don't deny yourselves the healing right to grieve.  

A: People very often do their grief work through their dreams. It is very normal to dream about your loved one because you are longing to be close to them again. That longing and yearning are very often handled through our dream process. As we return to our "normal" schedules --work, taking care of the children or parents and grandparents -- we get so busy with life that we very often do not have time during the course of the day to deal with our thoughts and feelings about our loved one. Therefore, when we sleep, we often dream about our loved one. Because our senses are so powerful, when we do awaken, we can still sense the presence we had in the dream and what was a dream becomes almost real.  
 
On the other hand, many people want to dream about their loved one and they can't, or at least they think they can't. We do not always remember our dreams, particularly if we are exhausted mentally or physically. When this happens, our sleep is so deep that our recall the next morning is limited. When we are able to restore our bodies to a more rested state, our dreams will come back into our conscious memory.  

A: It sounds simple, but pick up the phone and call someone. Don't be afraid of "bothering" another person by allowing them the opportunity to help a friend in need.  
 
Many support groups have a "buddy" system and a list of people to call anytime during the day or night. If you don't already have someone you can call, this may be a good resource for you. If you don't know of support groups in your area, you can call some of those listed near the back of this magazine and ask for a local chapter. Or call a crisis information center or funeral home and ask for a contact person.  
 
Gather a number of telephone numbers of people whom you like to talk to and make a "lonely list." Include next to each person's name a little description of what you enjoy about him or her. For instance, "Michael doesn't talk to much, really listens. Kim usually has good advice." With this list, you won't spend as much time wondering whom to call. And, you won't give yourself as much time to talk yourself out of calling someone.  
 
We hope you will find comfort in this way.  

A: It may be confusing for you to laugh while you are sad, but not wrong. It is important to know that laughing is as normal as crying. Please note that we aren't trying to alleviate your guilt or dismiss your questions about yourself when it comes to laughing while in grief. Feelings of guilt actually serve a purpose, as well, when they allow you to focus attention and put parts of your life into perspective. Still, don't allow your guilt to stop you from healthy and normal activity, such as laughter. When you laugh, your body's chemistry actually changes. A laugh that comes from your seeing and feeling humor is good for you. Go ahead and laugh!

A: Many people think grief should be easier because a person is older. Friends and loved ones often do what they think will make us feel better and never realize their words can sting. Their intensions are pure. They want us to feel better, so focus on their intent. They love you and don't want you to hurt, but they really do not have control over that.  
 
With regard to your grandmother being 84, it makes no difference how old someone is when they die, we still miss them and long for their presence and we still grieve. In fact, many times when a person lives a long life, we begin to take for granted that they will always be around. When that person dies, we are shocked and find ourselves not able to believe they are gone. Grief is very different for us based on a lot of different variables; the age of the person who died does have an impact on our grieving process. It does not, however, make the grief any easier. It just changes the life issues we have to face as we move toward developing a new normal.